SNES Scam

The Super Nintendo: a console so divine that it warranted a launch price that would make even the most die-hard gamer weep. A whopping $200 in 1991, which is equivalent to around $400 today. Because, you know, who needs to eat or pay rent when you can have a console that's only marginally better than its predecessor? The geniuses at Nintendo must have thought they were printing money, not selling a product to actual human beings. The games, of course, were the real pièce de résistance. A veritable treasure trove of overpriced, subpar experiences that would make even the most ardent fanboy weep. Some highlights include:

• Games like "ActRaiser" that promised the world and delivered a shallow, repetitive experience for the low, low price of $60
• "The 7th Saga", a game so bad that it's become a meme among retro gaming enthusiasts, and yet it still managed to fleece consumers out of their hard-earned cash
• "Mario Paint", because who needs actual gameplay when you can have a fancy graphics editor that you'll use for all of 10 minutes before getting bored?

And let's not forget the "classic" games that have aged about as well as a moldy slice of pizza. I mean, who needs smooth gameplay, decent graphics, or an engaging storyline when you can have "Super Mario World" with its charmingly outdated 16-bit graphics and cringe-worthy sound effects? But hey, at least the SNES had some good games, right? Wrong. Most of the games that are still trotted out as "classics" today are nothing more than nostalgia-fueled fever dreams. The reality is that the SNES's library is a graveyard of overhyped, overpriced trash that only the most gullible gamers still bother to defend. And don't even get me started on the "experts" who still claim that the SNES is the "best console of all time". Give me a break. These are the same people who probably think that "The Room" is a cinematic masterpiece and that "Battlefield Earth" is a worthy winner of the Pulitzer Prize. The real horror story, though, is the way that Nintendo and other game developers took advantage of consumers. It's a tale of greed, of price gouging, and of outright scamming. The statistical embarrassment is stark: in 1992, the average SNES game cost around $50, which is equivalent to around $100 today. And people still bought into it, hook, line, and sinker. The pathetic failure cases are numerous, but one standout example is the infamous "Hotel Mario" CD-i game, which is widely regarded as one of the worst games of all time. And yet, people still paid good money for it. It's a wonder that the gaming industry didn't implode from sheer embarrassment. So, to all the gullible gamers out there who still cling to their SNES consoles and games, let me say this: wake up, sheeple! You've been had. The SNES is a relic of a bygone era, a reminder of a time when gamers were willing to shell out top dollar for subpar experiences. Don't be fooled by the nostalgia-tinted glasses of influencers and "experts" who still try to peddle this outdated nonsense. The truth is, the SNES is a joke, and it's time to move on.

The gaming industry's favorite darling, Nintendo, and its plethora of questionable business practices. How quaint. How utterly, mind-bogglingly quaint. Let's dive into the depths of Nintendo's "innovative" approach to stifling competition and creativity. Nintendo's licensing policies were a masterclass in suffocating innovation. Who needs competition when you can strangle it in its crib? The company's draconian content guidelines were the cherry on top, ensuring that any game that dared to be edgy or push boundaries was promptly neutered. And don't even get me started on their treatment of third-party developers - it's a wonder anyone bothered to work with them at all. Some "highlights" of Nintendo's glorious history include:

• Forcing developers to pay exorbitant licensing fees, just to have the privilege of creating games for their consoles
• Dictating what content was acceptable, and what was not - because who needs artistic freedom, anyway?
• Strong-arming third-party devs into creating watered-down, family-friendly games that appealed to the lowest common denominator
• Punishing developers who dared to create games that were too "mature" or "controversial" - because Nintendo knows what's best for you, after all

And then, of course, there's the SNES's proprietary cartridge format - a blatant cash-grab that gouged consumers and lined Nintendo's pockets. Because what's a few extra bucks per game when you're already paying an arm and a leg for the console itself? The gullible masses lapped it up, of course, because who needs affordability or convenience when you can have the "privilege" of playing Nintendo's overhyped games? The horror stories are endless. Developers who were forced to compromise their vision, or risk being blacklisted by Nintendo. Games that were watered down, or outright cancelled, due to Nintendo's draconian content guidelines. And the statistical embarrassment? Nintendo's market share, which was propped up by their stranglehold on the industry, rather than any actual innovation or quality. And what do the "experts" and influencers have to say about all this? Crickets. They're too busy fawning over Nintendo's latest gimmick, or regurgitating the company's PR talking points, to actually call out their egregious business practices. It's a pathetic display of sycophancy, and a testament to the gaming industry's willingness to turn a blind eye to abuse, as long as it's perpetrated by a beloved brand.

Joy, the Super Nintendo, a console so woefully unprepared for the world, it's a wonder it didn't come with a complimentary participation trophy. At launch, its hardware was a joke, a relic of a bygone era, with processing power that made it struggle to keep up with the likes of Sega Genesis. And don't even get me started on the memory - it was like they expected gamers to be content with playing the same five levels over and over. But wait, it gets better. The audio capabilities were a masterclass in subpar design, with muffled sound and sound effects that sounded like they were recorded in a tin can. I mean, who needs crisp, clear audio when you can have a console that sounds like it's struggling to produce anything above a faint whisper? And the "experts" will tell you that it was "good enough" for its time. Good enough? Are you kidding me? That's just code for "we settled for mediocrity and hoped no one would notice". Some of the glaring issues with the SNES include:

• Clunky, uncomfortable controller design that seemed to have been crafted by someone who had never actually held a gamepad before
• Poorly laid out buttons that guaranteed a healthy dose of frustration and carpal tunnel syndrome
• No built-in CD-ROM support, because who needs high-quality audio and large storage capacity, anyway?

And let's not forget the gullible gamers who lapped up this nonsense like the good little sheep they were. "Oh, it's okay, it's just a minor limitation!" No, it's a major red flag, a sign of a console that was already behind the curve. Influencers and "experts" will try to spin this as some kind of "charming retro experience", but let's be real, it's just a pathetic attempt to salvage a console that was always destined for the dustbin of history. The SNES's statistical embarrassment is a testament to its technical inadequacies - it sold a mere 49 million units worldwide, a fraction of what its competitors were able to manage. And don't even get me started on the horror stories of gamers who actually tried to use the thing. It's a wonder anyone managed to eke out a few hours of enjoyment from this lemon.

The Super Nintendo: the ultimate symbol of nostalgic navel-gazing. People fawn over it like it's the second coming, but let's be real, its appeal is about as genuine as a timeshare sales pitch. Sentimental value is just a nice way of saying "we're too lazy to critically evaluate our childhood memories". The SNES's library is a laundry list of overhyped mediocrities, propped up by gaming media and nostalgic fans who can't tell the difference between "classic" and "cringeworthy". Case in point:

• Super Mario World: a platformer that's more frustrating than fun, with level design that's as creative as a kindergartener's plaything.
• The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past: a game that's more notable for its awkward pacing and clumsy combat than any actual innovation.
• Donkey Kong Country: a tech demo masquerading as a platformer, with more emphasis on flashy graphics than actual gameplay.

These games are held up as paragons of gaming excellence, but in reality, they're just relics of a bygone era, coasting on nostalgia rather than actual quality. And don't even get me started on the SNES's supposed "innovations". It's a laundry list of borrowed ideas and rehashed concepts, repackaged as revolutionary. The console's 16-bit graphics? Stolen from the Sega Genesis. Its controller design? Ripped straight from the NES. It's a Frankenstein's monster of a console, cobbled together from spare parts and hype. But hey, who needs actual innovation when you can just slap a fresh coat of paint on an old idea and call it a day? The gaming media and nostalgic fans will eat it up like the good little sheep they are. And the "experts" will be there to tell you that it's all part of the console's "charm" and "character". Give me a break. The SNES's "golden age" of gaming is a myth perpetuated by people who are more interested in reliving their childhood than actually critically evaluating the games they played. It's a nostalgia-fueled fever dream, and it's time to wake up. The statistics are embarrassing: the SNES had a whopping 714 games released during its lifespan, and how many of them are actually worth playing today? Maybe 20. Maybe. The rest are a sea of mediocre platformers, lackluster RPGs, and cringeworthy edutainment titles that are better left forgotten. But hey, who needs quality when you can just coast on nostalgia and hype? The gullible masses will eat it up, and the influencers will be there to tell you that it's all part of the console's "legacy". Legacy. Ha. The only legacy the SNES has is one of overhyped nonsense and sentimental drivel.