Kain't Believe

Joy, another "remaster" that's just a lazy rehashing of a classic game. Because what the world really needed was a slightly prettier version of Soul Reaver, a game that's already been ported to every platform known to mankind. The lack of effort put into this "remaster" is staggering, with no significant gameplay improvements to speak of. It's the same old game, with the same old mechanics, and the same old bugs. Let's take a look at some of the "exciting" features of this "remaster":

• A slightly higher resolution, because who needs actual gameplay improvements when you can just upscale the graphics?
• The same old soundtrack, because the developers couldn't be bothered to create new music or even remix the old tracks.
• No new content, because why bother adding new levels, characters, or storylines when you can just phone it in and call it a day?

And the best part? It's overpriced, because the developers know that nostalgic fans will shell out top dollar for anything with the Soul Reaver name on it. It's a cynical attempt to cash in on nostalgia, and it's working, thanks to gullible fans and influencers who are too busy fawning over the game's "updated" graphics to notice how little actual effort was put into it. But hey, who needs a proper sequel or new content when you can just re-release the same old game and call it a "remaster"? The fans will still eat it up, right? I mean, who needs innovation or creativity when you can just rehash the same old thing and call it a day? It's not like the fans are begging for a new game or anything. Oh wait, they are. And they've been begging for years, but the developers are too busy counting their money to care. The statistics are embarrassing. The game's metacritic score is already tanking, with critics calling it out for its lack of effort and overpriced tag. But hey, the developers don't care, because they've already made their money off of nostalgic fans who are too blinded by nostalgia to see how little effort was put into this "remaster". It's a scam, plain and simple, and the fact that people are still buying into it is a sad commentary on the state of the gaming industry. And don't even get me started on the "experts" who are defending this "remaster". The ones who are saying that it's a "faithful remake" and that the developers "did it justice". Are you kidding me? This is a lazy cash-grab, plain and simple, and anyone who says otherwise is either a shill or a fool. The fact that people are still falling for this nonsense is a testament to the power of marketing and the gullibility of the gaming community. So, to all the fans out there who are still holding out hope for a proper sequel or new content, let me break it to you: it's not coming. The developers are too busy laughing all the way to the bank to care about your pleas. And to the developers, I say: congratulations, you've managed to suck the soul out of a beloved game and replace it with a hollow, overpriced shell. That's quite an achievement.

Oh joy, the Legacy of Kain series is back, because what the world really needed was another half-baked attempt at reviving a dead franchise. 23 years of silence, and now they expect us to care? Please, the only people who still remember this series are nostalgic fanboys clinging to their childhood memories. The gaming landscape has changed dramatically since the last game, but apparently, the developers are still stuck in the past. They think they can just pick up where they left off and expect everyone to flock back to their outdated gameplay and tired storylines. Newsflash: we've moved on to better things.

• Clunky controls that were acceptable in the 90s are now laughable
• Graphics that were once considered cutting-edge now look like they belong on a PlayStation 2
• A storyline that was convoluted and confusing back then is still just as messy today

And don't even get me started on the unrealistic expectations from fans who have moved on. "Oh, it's going to be just like the old days!" No, it's not. You've had two decades to forget about this series, and now you're just clinging to nostalgia. The influencers and "experts" who are hyping this up are either delusional or paid to shill this garbage.

• Influencers who claim to be "huge fans" of the series but can't even name the main characters
• "Experts" who think that rehashing old gameplay mechanics is "innovative" and "groundbreaking"
• Fans who are so desperate for a new game that they'll settle for anything, no matter how subpar

This is a half-hearted attempt to revive a dead franchise, and it's going to end in disaster. The developers are just trying to cash in on nostalgia, and the fans are too blinded by excitement to see it. It's a scam, plain and simple.

• Statistical embarrassment: the last game in the series sold barely 100,000 copies
• Pathetic failure case: the developers' last attempt at a new IP was cancelled after a year of development
• Red flag: the game's budget is a fraction of what it was for the previous game, indicating a lack of confidence from the publishers

So, to all the gullible people out there who are actually excited for this, let me ask you: what's wrong with you? Can't you see that you're being taken for a ride? This is a cynical cash-grab, and you're just a pawn in their game. Wake up, sheeple.

The gaming industry's favorite pastime: polishing turds until they shine like gold. And the PR machine is the ultimate turd-polisher. It's a masterclass in deception, where style is substance, and reality is just a distant memory. We've all seen it: games that look like a million bucks but play like they were made by a kindergartener's plaything.

• No Man's Sky, anyone? Promised the world, delivered a shallow, buggy mess.
• Or how about Anthem? A game so broken, it made the phrase "launch disaster" seem like a compliment.
• And let's not forget about Fallout 76 – because who needs a functioning game when you can have a fancy trailer, right?

These games are the epitome of the industry's obsession with graphics and style over actual substance. And the sheep – I mean, gamers – lap it up like the good little consumers they are. Influencer partnerships are another favorite tactic of the PR machine. Because who better to sell you a bill of goods than a fake smile and a scripted tweet?

• Remember when Ninja played Apex Legends and suddenly it was the best game ever? Please, it was just a paid advertisement masquerading as "gaming content".
• Or how about the time every major YouTuber just happened to receive a free, luxurious gaming PC to "review"? What a coincidence.
• And let's not forget the "influencers" who claim to be experts but can't even be bothered to play the game they're shilling. Talk about authenticity.

It's a match made in heaven: gullible gamers, greedy influencers, and a PR machine that knows exactly how to exploit them both. But the pièce de résistance is the cleverly crafted narrative designed to distract from the game's shortcomings. You know, the old "it's not a bug, it's a feature" trick.

• Like when a game's poor performance is spun as "realism" or "immersion". Give me a break.
• Or when a lack of content is marketed as "a more focused experience". Focused on what – the developer's bank account?
• And who can forget the classic "it's just a "soft launch" excuse, where a game is intentionally released in a broken state to "test the waters"? How about testing your game before releasing it, genius?

It's a never-ending cycle of hype, disappointment, and excuses. And the PR machine just keeps on spinning, fueled by the gullibility of gamers and the greed of the industry. Wake up, sheep. The emperor has no clothes.

The mindless drones that make up the fanbase. They'll swallow anything, no matter how vile, as long as it's got the right logo on it. Take the latest announcement, for example. A measly teaser trailer with no actual gameplay, and the sheep are already frothing at the mouth. "Oh, it's going to be just like the old days!" they squeal, oblivious to the fact that the developers have been stringing them along for years. The warning signs are there, flashing neon red, but do they care? Nope. They'll ignore the fact that the game has been in development hell for years, with multiple delays and a revolving door of developers. They'll gloss over the suspiciously vague promises of "innovation" and "revolutionary gameplay". And they'll certainly ignore the statistical embarrassment that is the game's pre-order sales - a whopping 0.5% of the player base, most of whom are probably just trolling.

• The "gameplay" trailer that was just a bunch of CGI nonsense
• The "developer diary" that was clearly scripted and fake
• The "community manager" who only responds to criticism with condescending memes

And then there are the influencers and "experts" who enable this behavior. The ones who claim that the game is "going to change the industry" based on nothing but rumors and hearsay. The ones who pretend to have "inside knowledge" but are really just regurgitating press releases. They're the ones who should be ashamed of themselves, peddling false hope to the gullible masses. But hey, who needs actual criticism when you can just regurgitate marketing buzzwords? The fanbase will eat it up, no matter how stale. Take the No Man's Sky debacle, for example. The game was a pathetic failure, with a 0.5% player retention rate and a metacritic score that's still laughable. But did the fanbase learn from this? Nope. They just moved on to the next overhyped disaster, eager to be scammed again.

• Anthem's disastrous launch, with a 0.2% player base after a month
• Mass Effect: Andromeda's cringeworthy facial animations and shallow storyline
• Fallout 76's blatant lies about its online features and lack of single-player content

And don't even get me started on the excuses. "It's just a beta!" or "The devs are working hard, be patient!" Give me a break. The game has been in development for years, and it's still a mess. The devs are either incompetent or dishonest, and the fanbase is too far gone to care. The horror stories are endless. The guy who spent $1,000 on a "limited edition" collector's box, only to find out it was just a cheap plastic figurine and a download code. The girl who pre-ordered the game a year in advance, only to have it delayed three times and finally released in a broken state. And the countless others who've been scammed by fake "leaks" and "rumors" spread by trolls and attention-seekers.

• The fake "leak" that claimed the game would have a "dynamic weather system" and "next-gen graphics"
• The "insider" who claimed to have played the game and said it was "amazing", only to be revealed as a troll
• The "developer" who promised to "revolutionize the genre" and then delivered a shallow, unoriginal game

So, to all the mindless drones out there, keep on eating up the hype. Keep on ignoring the red flags and warning signs. Keep on throwing your money at the screen, hoping that this time, just this once, it'll be different. But it won't be. And when the game finally releases and it's just another overhyped disaster, don't come crying to me. I warned you.