S26 Ultra Scam

The S26 Ultra: because who needs a phone that fits in their pocket, anyway? The massive size is a joke, a clear attempt to compensate for the lack of actual innovation. It's like the designers thought, "You know what would be a great idea? If we made a phone that's just a tiny tablet, but without the functionality of a tablet!" Brilliant. The camera bump is a masterclass in design ineptitude. It's an eyesore, a dust magnet, and a scratch waiting to happen. But hey, who needs a sleek, seamless design when you can have a protruding monstrosity that screams "I have no idea what I'm doing"? Some notable "features" of this design disaster include:

• A camera bump so large, it's practically a separate entity from the rest of the phone
• A design that seems to be begging for scratches and scuffs
• A clear indication that the designers have never actually used a phone in their lives

And then, of course, there's the lack of a headphone jack. Because what's a phone without the ability to listen to music with actual, decent headphones? It's not like this is a blatant attempt to sell more overpriced wireless earbuds or anything. I mean, who needs a simple, functional headphone jack when you can have a "wireless audio experience" that's just a euphemism for "we want to sell you more stuff"? Gullible consumers and influencers will no doubt eat this up, praising the "courage" of the designers for "disrupting" the status quo. The "innovative" new features? Please. They're just rehashed versions of existing tech, repackaged and rebranded to sound impressive to the ignorant masses. Don't be fooled by the marketing speak – these "features" are nothing more than a desperate attempt to justify the phone's outrageous price tag. Some examples of this "innovation" include:

• A slightly better camera that's still no match for actual cameras
• A "new" AI-powered assistant that's just a rebranded version of last year's model
• A "revolutionary" new charging system that's just a fancy way of saying "we're still using the same old technology, but with a fancier logo"

It's a scam, plain and simple. The S26 Ultra is a phone designed to separate you from your money, not to provide any actual value or functionality. So, to all the "experts" and influencers out there praising this monstrosity, let me say: shame on you. You're either incredibly gullible or just plain corrupt. To the rest of us, let's just say it: this phone is a joke, and anyone who buys it deserves to be taken advantage of.

Oh joy, the S26 Ultra pre-order frenzy is upon us, and with it, a fresh wave of idiots eager to part with their hard-earned cash for the privilege of being ripped off. Because, you know, being one of the first to own a phone that'll be available everywhere in a matter of weeks is totally worth the premium price tag. The "exclusive" pre-order bonuses are a joke, a cheap attempt to fleece you of even more money. Let's take a look at these amazing "perks":

• A free case that'll be available for $5 on Amazon within a month
• A "premium" screen protector that's just a rebranded version of the $2 one you can buy at the mall
• Early access to a phone that'll be in every store and online retailer within weeks, because being a day or two ahead of the curve is obviously worth the extra cash

And don't even get me started on the "limited edition" nonsense. You'll be seeing these "rare" phones on eBay for pennies on the dollar within a month, because the only thing more abundant than the phone itself is the stupidity of the people pre-ordering it. And then, of course, there's the inevitable discount that'll come within weeks of release, making all you pre-order suckers look like, well, suckers. But hey, who needs to save money when you can have the fleeting thrill of being an early adopter? I mean, it's not like you could've just waited a few weeks and saved yourself a few hundred bucks. Nope, that would require patience and common sense, two qualities that are clearly in short supply among the pre-order crowd. But wait, it gets better! Samsung's customer service is notoriously unhelpful and unresponsive, so when your phone inevitably breaks or you realize you've been scammed, you can look forward to hours of fun on the phone with some automated system or a representative who couldn't care less about your problems. Just ask the countless people who've tried to get help from Samsung in the past:

• The guy who had to wait 6 months for a replacement phone, only to receive a refurbished model that was already outdated
• The woman who was told to "try restarting the phone" when she reported a defective screen, despite the fact that she'd already tried that (and about a million other things)
• The poor soul who spent 2 hours on the phone with a representative, only to be transferred to a "specialist" who then told him that his issue was "not their problem"

Yeah, good luck with that. And to all you influencers and "experts" out there shilling for Samsung, congratulations on selling out to the highest bidder. I'm sure your integrity and credibility will remain intact as you peddle this overpriced garbage to your gullible followers.

The tech review landscape: a sewer of corruption and incompetence. Where "journalists" peddle their souls to the highest bidder, churning out glowing reviews of subpar products like the S26 Ultra. These shills will wax poetic about the phone's "revolutionary" specs, while ignoring the crippling flaws that make it a nightmare to use. The "reviews" will be nothing more than:

• Regurgitated press releases, verbatim, with nary a critical thought
• Benchmarks and specs that mean nothing to real-world usability
• Glaring omissions of the phone's most significant problems, like battery life and overheating issues
• Fluff pieces that focus on the phone's "premium feel" and "stunning display", while neglecting the fact that it's a fragile, overpriced brick

And the sheeple will eat it up, won't they? Gullible consumers and brain-dead influencers will lap up these "reviews" like the good little sheep they are, never once stopping to think critically about the product. Case in point: the S25 Ultra, which was hailed as a "game-changer" by these same reviewers, despite its abysmal battery life and plethora of bugs. The reviews glossed over these issues, instead focusing on the phone's "impressive" specs and "beautiful" design. And what happened? The phone tanked in the real world, with users reporting widespread problems and disgust. But hey, the reviewers got their clicks and cash, so who cares, right? The excuses will flow like a river of BS:

• "We didn't experience those problems" (code for: we didn't actually use the phone)
• "It's just a minor issue" (code for: it's a major flaw, but we're getting paid to downplay it)
• "The phone is still a great value" (code for: we're willing to sacrifice our integrity for a paycheck)

And the "experts" will chime in, parroting the same tired talking points and fluffing the phone's non-existent strengths. It's a never-ending cycle of corruption and incompetence, and the only ones who suffer are the poor saps who actually buy these overhyped, overpriced disasters. Statistically, it's a joke. The S26 Ultra will likely have a "positive" review rate of over 90%, despite being a fundamentally flawed product. And why? Because the reviewers are either in Samsung's pocket or too afraid to speak truth to power. The result is a statistical embarrassment, with "reviews" that are about as trustworthy as a snake oil salesman. So, go ahead and waste your money on the S26 Ultra. See if I care. The reviewers will be laughing all the way to the bank, while you're stuck with a lemon of a phone and a lighter wallet. But hey, at least the phone will look pretty on your social media feeds, right?